Friday 24th March - Happy New Year?

Quite often I find myself mentally quoting Captain Jean-Luc Picard in one of the many Star Trek epispodes;

 This is especially true when I am working at thinking of reasons to be cheerful 

although I don't remember any of the words except 'reasons to be cheerful, 1 2 3'

So, this is the first day of Year 4; I mean the fourth year since the official 'Lockdown' began

I started my own lock down about a week beforehand, having become increasingly uneasy about the news;

Taken at a National Trust garden on 15th March, 2020

... the end is not really in sight for me, and therefore my husband, and many, many others who are vulnerable to the consequences of catching covid in a way that we weren't as at risk from flu, colds etc. 

There are people bemoaning the fact that lockdown happened at all - I am not even going there. The rate at which the infections were spreading and killing people was horrifying at the time, and drastic measures were necessary, in my view. The effects were traumatising and soul-destroying, I don't disagree, but I guess we have to trust that the people who actually knew what they were talking about gave the best advice that they could in the circumstances. 

What the politicians made of that scientific advice as the months went by is entirely another issue - and again there are strong opinions and anger and all kinds of emotions going on and I really don't want to get into discussions.   

Anyway, in my case I had to isolate, and I continue to be semi-isolated, because I take drugs that suppress my immune system, and I have severe lung fibrosis. I have had all the vaccinations that I have been offered, but it is unclear how effective they are for people in my situation. 

I am very close to needing oxygen support all the time - currently I use oxygen at night, and if we are walking any distance outside. 

I could go out and about, to exhibitions, museums, shops etc wearing an FFP2 mask, but unfortunately I find it difficult to walk at any faster than a snail's pace when I wear one, and after a few steps I can feel the lack of oxygen seriously affecting me. I rate the stages as follows;

stage 1  I get out of breath (this is a normal state of affairs for me, caused by getting up to make a cup of tea, or similarly 'strenuous' activities)

stage 2 I am getting very out of breath, grumpy and miserable and can't talk in sentences - this happens if I don't remember to go up stairs slowly, or when I am getting dressed if I don't take frequent pauses, etc 

stage 3 is becoming tearful and I can't talk at all

stage 4 is ripping off the mask and gasping for breath like a fish, 

stage 5, seriously to be avoided at all costs, is feeling that I am going to die, being overcome by fear and desperation, struggling and failing to organise my breathing. If I am wearing an FFP2 mask I can go straight to stage 5 in seconds if I am not very, very careful.

One part of my mind knows that I WILL recover if I can just keep myself together for a couple of minutes, but anoter part of my mind is in a total state of terror. I can tell you this is very unpleasant while it lasts.

 (I have considered using the portable oxygen concentrator while wearing a mask, but the inlet to the machine wouldn't have a mask.... minor point, but there we are.)

It WILL be a Happy New Year, because I will Make It So; there are plenty of Reasons To Be Cheerful every day, and once the weather improves and we can enjoy walks in local gardens and countryside spots, and meet up with friends in outside cafes more often, it will be even easier to be happy and cheerful.

So this is a serious blog post - sorry - not in my usual style - but even with all this at the back of every day, We, husband and I will have a good 2023, a far as possible. 

Make It So!